


Because that Trashmouth is Definitely a Superspreader

by ciderandredrot



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciderandredrot/pseuds/ciderandredrot
Summary: Eddie schools Richie on why, if you love someone, you don't let them leave the house unmasked during a pandemic. Tooth-rotting sap.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	Because that Trashmouth is Definitely a Superspreader

**Author's Note:**

> [Was I so irritated by a friend-of-a-friend writing about a Karen shaming him in Walmart for not wearing a mask that I wrote a fic at 5am? Yes. Yes, I did. Baby's first fic.]

‘But Eds!’ Richie said, aiming for a tone that was meant to be wheedling, but was instead more like a toddler entering phase one of a meltdown. He seemed to catch this because he quickly slipped into a Voice. ‘I do declare that wearing a mask is positootley unbearable, not to mention unAmerican!’

‘What,’ said Eddie, flatly. He didn’t look up from where he was reading on the couch.

‘I mean, they’re uncomfortable! The straps rub behind my ears, I think I’m getting a rash. My glasses fog up and not just cos I’m hot like magma - that’s magma not MAGA bee tee dubs - aaand...that vein is popping in your temple again, babe. You, uh, you wanna breathe there, Spaghetti Man...?’

Eddie made his fingers unclench from where they were strangling the American Journal of Public Health.

‘Are you fucking _serious_ right now?!’ His voice hit a tone possibly only audible to bats on the last word.

‘Uhhh...’

‘Richie, you do realize we’re living through a global pandemic? Our infection levels are off the motherfucking chain! Our state is in lockdown!’

‘Uhhh...’

‘Or is this a bit? Is this a new character for your next stand up - whenever the fuck that’ll be because, dude, no way am I letting your ass on stage right now unless it’s masked, gowned and in a full Chernobyl clean-up suit - called Florida Man Who Is The Laughing Stock of the World Because He’s a Moron Who Won’t Wear a Mask and Gratefully Courts Death?!’

Richie made his shoulders relax from where they had risen up by his ears. He cocked a hip in what was probably supposed to be a coquettish move, but instead made him look like he had to urgently shit. He tried a little shimmy.

‘...So what I’m hearing is that I have to wear a mask when I run to Whole Foods for your unsweetened oat milk or you won’t be giving me that low down an’ dirty Eddie Friday Night Special dicking any time soon?’

‘No! You fucknut!’

The American Journal of Public Health sailed dangerously close to said nuts as Eddie heaved himself off the couch and stalked over to where Richie stood, one hand on the front door knob. He was in ‘leaving the house incognito LA chic’: prescription dark glasses, baseball cap pulled low over scraggly curls, only marginally offensive slogan tee.

Eddie diverted his path mid-fury stride to what he had deemed the ‘essentials drawer’ when he first - finally - moved in, and which Richie privately thought of as the OCD bat cave. It contained the necessaries: umbrella for the 3 days a year it rained in LA, hand sanitizer, spare car fob, lube and, now, face masks. He brandished one at Richie.

‘I’m saying I don’t want you to die. Or suffer the lifelong and unexplored health risks of COVID. Or infect other people, because that trashmouth is definitely a superspreader. Or get papped being an inconsiderate jerk.' Briefly running out of steam, he considered. 'Also, we need Swiss chard and dish soap.’

Richie unclenched his death grip on the door knob. He manfully didn’t make a superspreader joke although it was killing him. He was a professional with professional timing.

‘Ah, babe. You care.’ He did his best Sally Fields. ‘You like me! You _really_ like me!’

‘I’d like you even if the mask was a full on Flying Nun headdress. Idiot.’

He stretched to drop a quick kiss on Richie’s grinning mouth, before tucking the straps of the mask over his ears. He fussed with the nose piece under his glasses to reduce fogging, before adjusting the pull of the straps.

‘Not too tight?’

Richie beamed like a fool behind the covering.

‘Was this all just a bit to wind me up?’

‘You know you’re never hotter than when you’re lecturing me on my poor hygiene and lack of concern for basic safety standards, Eddie, light of my life, fire of my loins.’

Richie went in for a smooch and was stopped with a firm palm on his chest, mirroring where IT’s claw had come so close to piercing his lover’s fierce heart.

‘You know the mask’s efficiency is compromised if you get it wet, right? And don't bastardize Lolita, it's a boner killer.’

‘Kinky. Talk CDC guidelines and problematic Lit to me more, you saucy minx.’

‘Wear it the whole time you’re out and I’ll blow you in the kitchen when you’re putting away groceries.’

‘After I’ve responsibly sanitized, of course?’

‘Of course. I’m not a pervert.’

Fin.


End file.
